50 Things I Hate About You
by eloquentfever
Summary: 50 things Sebastian Smythe hated about Kurt Hummel, but tolerated. All dialogue. Kurtbastian. Companion piece to "50 Things I Despise About You" - a piece about 50 things Kurt Hummel hated about Sebastian Smythe.


_hey guys, this is a sort of companion piece to "50 Things I Despise About You." similar thing, it's just 50 things that Kurt didn't like about Sebastian. this one is the opposite - 50 things Seb hates about Kurt. x _

_as always, i have shittastically dry humour and it may be __**offensive**__._

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Title: 50 Things I Hate About You

Rated: +13 – language, sexual references  
Summary: 50 things Sebastian Smythe hated about Kurt Hummel, but tolerated. All dialogue. Kurtbastian.  
Genre: Humour/Romance

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**1. The fact that Kurt is super-glued to his phone:**

"…Sebastian, I hardly spend _that_ much time on the phone."

"I hardly spend that much time fantasising about your ex's butt cheeks."

"Speaking of which, according to my Father, my phone bill is now _completely_ your responsibility. He's just testing the purity of your love for me."

"…"

"Sebastian?"

"Shut up, Hummel, I'm trying to figure out which Lamborghini I should sell."

**2. The way Kurt's hair sticks out in the direction of Sebastian's cock: **

"…Sebastian, we have the same hairstyle. And no, they do not stick up in the direction of your cock."

"Who said I liked my hair? It's as shitty as yours. I just wear it sexier."

"You're quite the affectionate boyfriend."

"Keep this up, Hummel, and I might even buy you a gift - a nice gift, one that you can use…like proper hair products."

"How lovely of you to say so…speaking of gifts you can use, I thought of one that may come in handy in the future."

"Oh yeah, Hummel? What? Moisturiser?"

"A heart."

**3. That stupid smile on Kurt's face when he buys shit clothing that will just earn him a rendezvous with the nearest dumpster: **

"I just get excited when I have new clothing, Sebastian."

"You never make that face when we have sex."

"…"

"You're an insensitive whore, Hummel. Actually, I _wish_ you were a whore – that way my cock can finally gain satisfaction. I also get excited when I see clothes…"

"Oh my Prada, Sebastian, we _must_ go to a—"

_"…__pulled off." _

**4. How the fuck can Kurt be allergic to honey because Sebastian loves honey like he likes sucking on a nice length after three shots of cranberry vodka:**

"It's not a personal choice to be allergic to bee vomit, though I don't mind that I am."

"How? Next thing you're gonna tell me you're allergic to semen and can't swallow that shit up either. Do you know that I don't eat honey anymore because you go ahead and decide that if you have one bit of honey, you're going to stop breathing?"

"Yes, I've always wanted to stop breathing when I've had lunch. It's truly one of my truest aspirations in life."

"Fine. I do get sad when you stop breathing. And have panic attacks when I rush you to the hospital and I'd rather never ingest honey in my life than watch you die after a kiss – though that will make a shitless amazing movie…ha…"

"That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me."

"…as sweet as _the honey that I can't eat because of you, Hummel_?"

"You are horrible I won't even believe—"

**5. When Kurt reminds him that Blaine used to polish his shoes every damned morning from all of their gross cheese-filled shit love: **

"He did not _polish my shoes every morning_. One time I mention that he likes to bring me roses on Tuesdays or pamper me or touch my hair or get me chocolates when I'm sad—"

"He might as well polish your damned shoes. You do not tell your boyfriend about all of the love you and your ex had. You talk about Blaine one more time, and I'm gonna have to tell you to go home, Hummel."

"Firstly, you don't even call me by my first name. Secondly, this is my home but it seems like your ass has become a permanent part of my bed. Thirdly, you still talk about Blaine and how much you want to bang him."

"That's different. Those aren't memories. Those are…fantasies. Hey, you can tell me all about your shoe fetish and I'm not going to get mad at you for thinking Brad Pitt is sexy, because the chances of you ending up together are zero to a million. Same thing with me and Blaine…doesn't mean that I don't like to hear him threaten to file a restraining order against me. Ha. He wants me."

"…you know, Blaine _never_ used to mention my excessive shoe collecting…"

**6. Kurt doesn't stop talking. Sebastian doesn't really care about every damned text you get from a Mercedes or Grape or any other whore:**

"Her name is Rachel Berry, not Grape and also, I do not tell you every damned detail of my day."

"….Hummel, you mentioned how long you stayed in the shower, thoroughly massaging your 'lustrous brown locks'. Why the hell should I care about how long you stay in the shower?"

"We might move in with each other. You might need to use this information later on; knowing how long I take in a shower may help you figure out when you're allowed to use said shower."

"Easy. I'm just gonna hop in there with you. I'm pretty sure I can be quite _handy_."

"You are insufferable and every minute with you is chronic pain. And I don't tell you every detail of my day. Just small bits of here and there."

"You mentioned how many times you peed today and expressed your worry about your excessive peeing. I've passed the 'I'm not even going to look like I give a fuck' barrier and descended into a 'if you open up your mouth one more time, I'm shoving my cock in there'."

"Moving on, I'm thinking of the designs for our kitchen—_hmmpppphhhhhhh_."

**7. Sebastian doesn't like it when Kurt takes him out shopping and asks him the golden 'does this atrociously gay item of clothing make me look fat?' **

"My clothing is _not_ atrocious, Sebastian. And yes, some people aren't stick figures like you so we can't just buy something that might end up making us look like we've decided to eat a whole cheesecake before walking out of the house."

"Who cares? Have all the damned cheesecake you want—metaphorically and literally. I don't care if you think you're fat or actually get fat. More to fuck."

"I realised long ago _this_ was your compassionate side."

"…what? You lost me between some shit about compassion. But I heard sex. Where's the sex?"

"Not in _that_ shirt, Sebastian. It makes you look fat."

"…Hummel, I'm hurt. I know this shirt makes me look fat. It's why I wear it. Unlike you, I actually _want_ to gain weight because you keep complaining about how fucking me is like fucking a premature skeleton."

"…I was saying that in _envy_, not distaste, Sebastian."

"You're _envious_ of my so-called_ premature skeleton_?"

"Yes, I want it. Give it."

"…Hummel, my body parts are not for sale."

"…with the level of prostitution you do, I believe that isn't possible."

"…hey, Hummel, the prostitutes I know have a shattered self-esteem, so really, you should be a prostitute."

"...what a caring, loving boyfriend _you_ are. Encouraging me to _sell my body_."

"Well, Hummel, here's the equation. Feeling fat equals to low self-esteem. Low self-esteem will equal to prostitution and a prostituted Hummel equals to money and money makes people happy and happiness boosts ego. So therefore, money is the shit and you won't ever have to ask me how fat you look in that horrible sweater you're wearing."

"…"

"By the way, Hummel, you look like you swallowed a fucking cheesecake. Stop wearing all those fucking stripes."

.

**8. Kurt, Sebastian will break that mirror if you stare into it a second longer: **

"I have to make sure I look _appropriate_."

"Who the fuck cares?"

"_I_ do."

"_You_ don't matter."

"Gee. Thanks, Sebastian. You are really the loveliest thing within a five mile radius."

"You wanted the truth."

"I wanted the truth being broken down gently."

"Fine. Hey, Hummel?"

"Yes, Sebastian?"

"If you look at that mirror one more time, I will _gently_ break it into your face."

**9. Why the hell does Kurt wear all of those layers?!**

"Hummel, layers are shit. You are not a Photoshop image. Get rid of them. Get naked. Let us have lovely, vigorous sex. Hell, if you provoke me enough, I will snap and tear all of your clothes in one go."

"…Sebastian, if you touch my vest, I will promptly snap your arm like the twig it is."

"Holy shit, your everlasting hatred and fury towards me is fucking hot."

"…you may have sex with me. But you will _gently_ and _calmly_ pull down this sweater—SEBASTIAN. THAT CARDIGAN WAS ORIGINAL BURBERRY. I WILL FUCK YOU SO HARD YOUR ASS WILL BE SORE FOR A YEAR I CAN'T BELIEVE IT OH MY FUCKING—"

(_The rest of this speech has been censored due to inappropriate audience_).

**10. When Kurt's girly friends leave the toilet seat down:**

"How hard is it to pull it back up, Hummel? Tell Berry if she pisses in our toilet again, something's going to wind up in her dinner plate—"

"_Ahem_, the dinner plates that _I make_ will not suffer in your request of avenging the toilet seat, Sebastian."

"…but _she_ started it."

"She did not threaten to _excrete urine_ on the _dinner_ that I made._ You_ did. And if you do, I will lacerate you. Understand?"

"Yes, dear."

"However, you may urinate on her seat. I did not buy that hideously decorated chair."

"No, you didn't buy those chairs—wait. Ha! Hummel, you cunning vengeful bitch! I remember! _Blaine bought those chairs_! I thought you were fine with the break-up."

"I am, I am. I gained your _sympathetic_ ass over it."

"…you said you wouldn't cry about getting stuck with me for the rest of eternity anymore."

"I am not crying. My eyes are watering. Due to the sheer amount of love we harbour for each other."

"…so, what's for dinner? I promise I won't pee on it."

**11. Kurt, if you send Sebastian another text, he will break every bone in that pretty little hand of yours: **

"…Sebastian, you think my hand is _pretty_?"

"No more texting me every twenty fucking minutes."

"…I hardly text you every twenty minutes. Maybe twenty-five. Sometimes, not even until an hour has passed."

"I still get as much texts from you as my Mother. You know what I don't like, Kurt? My Mother. She bitches and worries and bitches and worries."

"That is a highly accurate description of me."

"…yes, Hummel, you are my Mother, except I can fuck you."

"I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult considering you have called your Mother a whore, a cunt, and a bitch in the same sentence quite often."

"…because she is a whore cunt bitch face, Hummel. Just like _you_ are, but your hands are pretty and they know what they're doing so that cancels out the level of bitchiness."

"…"

"Point is, Hummel, stop texting me or I'm filing a divorce before we even get married."

"You make no perpetual sense."

"You give no perpetual sex. We're even."

**12. When Sebastian says the date is at seven that means that Kurt must be ready by seven, not eight, or nine, or ten: **

"I just like to _present_ myself."

"I can never reserve a spot in a restaurant or movie tickets, or plan any shit because you're always late_. Even when we have sex, you always come late! _ Do you know how much I like sex, do you? I like it a lot. I can live off it. You just deprived me of oxygen. There, I go. I'm dead. Dead forever."

"…Sebastian, take your dead body off my couch or I will make sure to revive you just to kill you again. That is _authentic leather_ you're resting your corpse on."

**13. Kurt, the amount of time spent in a bathroom equals to when Sebastian has diarrhoea due to his gluten intolerance. How does that sound? **

"…messy. That sounds messy, Sebastian."

"Shh. You know I have problems. There's my fucked up digestive system and then there's me knocking at the door at three pm needing to use the bathroom and I end up shitting myself three times before you even think of opening that damned door. Hummel, this relationship isn't going to work unless we buy two separate bathrooms. You don't know how much I die waiting for you to be done. What the hell do you do in there? Why does it take you as long as a Star Wars marathon to shower? Are you inventing soap in there or are you using it?"

"I like to be hygienic."

"…from the length of your shower, I'm surprised you walk out of there with _skin still on_."

"From the amount of gluten you _accidentally_ ingest, I'm surprised you're still alive."

"…speaking of _accidentally_ ingest, _who_ makes dinner around here?"

"…"

"If you wouldn't spend so much time grooming yourself, you would have remembered that you should not feed a gluten-intolerant person oatmeal that isn't marked as _gluten-fucking-free_. Also, oatmeal tastes like shit and the amount of the time you spend in the bathroom is shit because you lock me out when I am literally about to shit my pants."

"Alright, alright, I'll make sure this dinner tonight is gluten-free and—"

**14. No, Kurt, you have to make sure this dinner is not some health-based crap which Sebastian is quite frankly tired of: **

"Of course, Sebastian, chase high blood pressure, why don't you?"

"Ha. I wish. My blood pressure is so low that it has its own basement. You know what's healthy? Pizza. I'm sure that's a vegetable in some country."

"No."

"Chinese?"

"No."

"Come on, they have those little vegetables."

"No."

"_Why_ do you hate me?"

"…I'd tell you but I'm afraid we only exist for so little years."

"You're a stone cold bitch, Hummel."

"Says the boy that slushied my ex and tried to blackmail my stepbrother."

"Come on. Don't I break your heart?"

"No, Blaine did. He stomped on it, ripped it to shreds and then handed me over to you to dry-clean."

"Tell Blaine I'm shit at dry-cleaning stuff and the last time I did, I accidentally ended up swapping it for this package I had to send so my other relatives got the shit I had to dry-clean. In conclusion, your heart is probably somehow by fate on its way to Singapore."

**15. Why does Kurt not let Sebastian spend any time with his sissy shit friends: **

"Because you _just_ insulted them, Sebastian."

"I insult you but you're _still_ my boyfriend. My first actually. I like to fuck and leave, but when I tried to leave, you talked to me and stalked me and I guess we're boyfriends now."

"Oh my Prada, I just realised I have you on a _leash_."

"…and you know, even if dogs bite, the owner still takes doggie out to play with his friends and scratch other doggie owners' balls."

"…you do _not_ touch other people's _balls_, Sebastian."

"Or what? It's in my nature."

"The dog analogy is so true. All you do is eat my food, shit, and then slobber me with saliva as you put your tongue around every sect of my body the minute I walk in. I have to talk you around for a round of sex every day whether I want to or not."

"See, Hummel? I have to sniff other people's balls."

"…Sebastian, I swear to the God that doesn't exist, that I will buy you a _muzzle_."

**16. Why is all the shows Kurt watches absolute pig shit**

"…my shows are _not_ absolute pig shit."

"Whatever this shit is, it better stops or I'm going to put a bullet through the director's head. Plus, the star of the show is as annoying as shit. Shows like _Glee_ are shit."

**17. Kurt, if you're on a permanent diet, why the hell aren't you model thin**

"…that is _insulting_."

"Yeah, Hummel, you're as sexy as shit, but you're not model thin."

"By that, you mean anorexic."

"…yeah, true. When my Mother diets, she looks like shit."

"…the reason being is because I _love_ food and whenever one diets, they usually fail, like I do most days and then end up ordering a pizza at three am to eat."

"I'm on a permanent diet too. Of Oreos, pizza and fries."

"Your dietary habits are so _healthy_."

"Shut up. I'd rather die having tasted glory than living a life full of shit and nothing to live for. Chocolate is everything, so without chocolate, we have nothing thus your argument about being healthy is invalid, Mr 3 AM Pizza."

"…_true_. Speaking of pizza, why is my chocolate stash missing?"

"…I ventured into the land of the unknown and stole the treasured goods."

"And left me to starve."

"There's always the lettuce crap you make for dinner, but I'm not eating _that_. I'd rather puke my guts out."

"I'm happy you enjoy my cooking skills."

"Your cooking skills are crap."

"Thank you for reminding me, Sebastian. Are you quite done yet?"

"Wait, no. If you lose a pound, you'll look like crap. You're sex on a pole right about now. Hell, I'd say gain all the weight you want. Like I told you time and time again, more of you? More to fuck."

"And when I top you, you'd snap into pieces."

"…hey, that's sexy."

"Your definition of sexy usually alarms me."

"Your lack of masculinity usually alarms me."

"Oh, I'm sure we both agreed that I can act as feminine as I want because my _length_ makes up for it and to think, I'm _not_ the one that gives blow-jobs, am I?"

**18. Keeping tabs on drinking, which is really just a primal need to function:**

"Well, if alcohol is a primal need to function, straight edge people and religious people like Mormons and Muslims don't function at all."

"Let me explain. It's a primal need for me to function. Keeping tabs on how much I drink is like me keeping tabs on how much shit you buy."

"You _do_."

"...irrelevant."

"Sebastian, if you're doing shots, one is clearly enough."

"Fuck you."

"You will by the end of the night. Fix your pants for Prada's sake; I can see the outline of your sex organs."

"_Just_ the outline?"

**19. Hummel, Sebastian doesn't necessarily likes getting his hands dirty:**

"You certainly weren't against getting down and dirty yesterday."

"You told your Father a lie. I don't know how to fix cars. I know how to disassemble things, like car parts. And clothing."

"Sebastian, I wanted you to bond with my Father."

"…no, you wanted him to spend time with him so you can sneak off without him asking you why you're wearing a BDSM harness that you don't know how to take off."

"...and _whose_ fault was that?"

"You weren't complaining when we were fucking yesterday. I tore off half your hair from my grip and you didn't give a fuck about it. It was so hot."

"It was humiliating. Talking about sex is humiliating because our sex life compared to Blaine and I's sex life was…"

"Hummel, having sensual and passionate love making is not a sex life. It's a bad Nicholas Sparks movie."

"Your logic flabbergasts me."

"The length of your cock flabbergasts me."

**20. Sebastian has other friends beside you, Kurt: **

"…no, Sebastian, you are not allowed to see your friends. I'm preparing you for married life because I am quite sure that spouses are forced to stare into each other's faces all the time."

"But Hummel, I want to go out drinking with the guys."

"The guys give you heroin."

"The guys make me have fun. If I spend the night with you, you'll just talk about your nails and how you think you should shape them and worst part—I'm expected to listen to this crap."

"Never knew why I'd ever let you go, Sebastian."

"Well, I am a prince."

"If princes drink themselves to death, then yes, you are a prince."

"I'm a sexy prince."

"Sebastian, the more you say it, the more I want to get you a therapist for your narcissism."

"Do you want me to hate myself?"

"Well, it will make you more human."

"You are so evil, Hummel, I won't believe."

"I'm evil? Excuse me, who decided to burn the books I used for school? And who decided to put in – dare I say it _– full-fat milk_ in my coffee?"

"Just because I put in _full-fat milk_ in your coffee I'm inhuman?"

"There's the whole bullying, assault and blackmail but who cares? My coffee, Sebastian!"

**21. Sebastian innocently looks at another guy and Kurt lets hell loose:**

"I do _not_ let Hell loose, Sebastian Smythe. And you do nothing innocently. You are the least innocent creature on this planet. I believe even a prostitute is cleaner than you."

"I was an illegal prostitute before so…"

"…I refuse to comment on that."

"If you refuse to comment on it, didn't you just comment on it? Why is it called peanut butter if butter is not used in the production of peanut butter? Why are you so insanely motherly? Questions that keep me up late at night."

"Firstly, no, I refused to comment thus there is no comment, it's a proclamation of the fact that I will not comment. Also, it is called peanut butter because whilst it may not have the same consistency, it's still a spread with butter-like qualities of fat. Also, I am not motherly; you are a child so someone has to be a parental figure in this relationship. Any other questions?"

"Why does all hell break loose when I look at a guy? I was looking at Berry's boobs for a whole ten minutes and you said nothing."

"Because you were thinking of a way to stick Nutella down her boobs without her noticing. I have certainly never heard a woman scream so loudly."

"Then you should tape yourself when you orgasm."

**22. When you want to have sex, just say it out loud; don't make these weird suggestive shit faces that Sebastian can't read:**

"I'm _shy_, Sebastian. Others find this quality completely endearing."

"That sexy face you pulled with that 'oh, come on, let's go fuck' was so hilarious that I nearly peed myself. I do not think of fucking you when you pull a face like that. I'd think you're constipated and need me to give you a laxative."

"You horrific human being."

"Honesty is the best policy."

"You can shove your honesty up your ass, Sebastian."

"You are so conflicting. You want me not to lie to you yet you want me to tell you the truth. You want me to eat your casserole but you don't want me to eat your casserole. You want me to have sex with you yet you do not want me to have sex with you."

"Firstly, I want you to lie to me to very certain things yet I do want you to tell me if you're cheating on a waiter. Also, I do want you to eat my casserole yet I don't because you make these horrendous comments whenever you eat. I don't want to have sex with you because you are an obnoxious rodent yet I still have to because you want to and I want to make you happy. Do you see the amount of love I harbour for you?"

"You harbour love for me because you don't want to have sex with me but you do it anyway?"

"Precisely."

"You know, once you farted, and I lied and said I did to make you feel better."

"…how eloquently presented."

**23. Kurt's lucky he even got a gift from Sebastian: **

"Sebastian, you got me an XXL shirt. I wear an S or an M. This makes me feel as if you're trying to tell me something."

"That my Mother goes shopping for me? Because she does. I've never bought one piece of clothing I've ever warn in my life."

"Explains why they're lovely and you're not."

"Otherwise, that XXL shirt is because I want you to remember that if you decide to gain a hundred pounds, I'd still fuck you. Plus, we can both cuddle in a shirt. How cute would it be to cuddle in a shirt?"

"Just tell me you think I'm fat."

"That would be a lie. I think you're sexy. Plus, if I thought you were fat, I would tell you that you're fat, right? Have I ever not told you the truth because of something stupid, like feeling like I might hurt you if I do?"

"Point taken. You have no emotions. How could I have forgotten that?"

**24. Hummel drives like he's on a constant car race:**

"Well, why would I want to drive slowly, Sebastian?"

"…I don't know. There's the fact that I tend to like to live."

"I never realised this with the amount of alcohol you consume weekly."

"Only weekly?"

"Fair point. Sebastian, I'm a perfectly capable driver. I've only nearly run over three cats in the past fifteen minutes."

"I'm going to die."

"Don't get my hopes up, Sebastian."

**25. No, Hummel, Sebastian did not notice the smallest hair follicle you cut off.**

"Sebastian, last time I asked you about a haircut, it was a buzzcutt."

"Still not important."

"When will it come close to being important?"

"Dye your hair pornstar blonde."

"I refuse."

"Then it will never be important."

"Dear Prada, Sebastian."

"And stop saying that. You sound gay."

"I am gay, Sebastian."

"Go cut off your hair. I might even notice it this time."

"You will never notice it, just like you will never notice the fact that I actually love you even though you are a short-tempered idiot."

"Sorry, my brain blocked out all of the lovey-dovey shit. What was I supposed to notice?"'

"…I give you good sex."

"Aha. Yes, you do. Yummy sex."

"This is the only effective way of communicating with you I realise. It depresses me."

"Everything depresses you."

"Your inability to be human depresses me. Yes, as I tend to have these little thing called emotion. You may not really have heard about it since it doesn't come in sex form. Or in food form."

"I disagree. I am very emotional over pizza."

**26. Kurt is starting to look more and more like Burt as the years pass on:**

"Yes, Sebastian? And what is wrong looking slightly like my Father?"

"Hummel, I am not attracted to your Father. This is a problem. I don't want your hair to die off and start to look unattractive."

"Excuse me, my Father is not unattractive."

"Would you date your Father?"

"I wouldn't date my Father, Sebastian. He's _my Father_ for Chanel's sake. He took care of me when I was a child."

"That is totally irrelevant. I would totally bang my Father if he wasn't my blood relative. I bet my Dad has a nice, long dick."

"…Sebastian, that is single-handedly the worst comment you have ever made in your life and now, I cannot look at your Father in the same way."

"My Father's a looker. You better not think that I don't notice you checking out his ass when I'm supposedly not looking."

"Sebastian, I have never in my life thought that I'd hear my boyfriend talk about how sexually appealing his Father is."

"I have never in my life thought I'd marry a guy that acts like my Mother but here we are—"

"…did you say _marry_? Are you suggesting that _I_ buy _you_ a ring?"

"I suggest you look into your bag where I kept the ring that my Father proposed to my Mother, and act like a gentleman."

"No, if I want to marry you, I will do it the proper way with lilacs and a band playing violins from behind us as I kneel down on my knee and ask your hand in marriage."

"Don't you have knee problem? It's mostly like you kneeling down on your knee and snapping it in half and us having go to the ER before you ask my hand in marriage. That' a shit way of proposing. Gimmie my ring. I'll propose."

"No! You will do this all wrong! I will propose."

"Fine. You propose."

"Great! Splendid!"

"Actually, no, give me back my ring. As I think about it, I don't want to be married to some old guy with no hair."

"I will not look exactly like my Father when I grow up."

"You're right. It'll be worse. You wear _sparkles_ for fuck's sake."

**27. It's that time of month when Kurt goes ape-shit about everything:**

"Hummel, you really do have a period."

"Sebastian, the only reason I go 'ape-shit' in this certain week of the month is because it is somehow also the same week you decide that you should go back to Paris. This is horrible, as I realise you don't know how to take care of yourself so I have to pack your bags and everything."

"You touched my things? Ew. Now, I have to get them sterilised."

"My thoughts every time you breathe in my room."

"You're so greedy. You don't even want to share air for fuck's sake."

"You don't want to share the same genetics half the time, Sebastian."

"Hey, does that mean us humans are all incestuous? So yeah, I can totally talk about banging my Father considering I'm banging you. That's hot. It means in some sort of sense, I want to bang my brother, Blaine."

"You make me never want to have sex again."

"Hummel, you don't say that kind of shit to me. You can tell me I have a black hole for a heart and you can tell me that my 4.0 GPA is a fluke in the system but you do not – I repeat – do not joke about not wanting to have sex with me. I was an illegal prostitute in three continents and I've been having sex since I realised what a cock was."

"You're right. I'm sorry. I was strangely out of line."

**29. Hummel, stop looking around Sebastian's Facebook, iPhone, wallet, Twitter, and/or tumblr. You won't find anything convicting in there. **

"But how? You spend 90% of your time doing illegal things, Sebastian. How can I not find one spot of dirt on you?"

"Maybe it's because I have four phones, three wallets and more than one account on everything so you can never find me. Hummel, I have a criminal record. You don't want to fuck with me."

"Aren't you reassuring? How do I know that you aren't out doing drugs at midnight?"

"Hummel, that's because I _am_ out doing drugs at midnight."

**30. Crying.**

"I'm sorry, Sebastian. I didn't know the human emotion bothered you so much."

"Cry. Sleep. Eat. It's a monstrosity. Why the hell do I need all things to function? If it was up to me, I wouldn't sleep or eat at all."

"Says the guy that finished my gingerbread cookies and sleeps 10 hours a day."

"I'm sorry, Hummel. I was accidentally almost human. I won't do it again."

**31. Expecting Sebastian to pay when they're out:**

"Hummel, I am not a fucking bank."

"No, but your Father owns one and you have access to several bank accounts from your family so I don't know why in hell's name you're whining about paying."

"I don't like to spend money on useless things, like paying for your food."

"Sebastian, you once bought an ice sculpture of Thor."

"It was hilarious seeing people touch it. Better if you put a 'Do Not Touch' sign because people will definitely touch it."

"Sebastian, your idea of comical will land you behind a jail cell one day."

"It already has. Several times now."

"Oh, why would I ever let you go?"

**32. Hummel, stop throwing away Sebastian's childhood in a trash can:**

"I was unaware that the picture of various men looking like they were going to gang-bang you was part of your childhood."

"Those are my uncles."

"I see the resemblance."

**33. Sebastian doesn't want to see your musical about singing, dancing murders bent on killing you with a spoon:**

"It was not a spoon, Sebastian. It was a fork, and forks can be deadly weapons if you choose them to be."

"Hummel, it was the worst 3 hours of my life, having to sit there and hearing about murders sing and dance. Ted Bundy was not done justice."

"I forgot that insane mass-murdering criminals were your extended family. I apologise."

**34. Hummel, Sebastian hates it when you bitch about other people's clothing:**

"You act like a pure bitch when you do this, Hummel."

"I'm sorry, Sebastian. I forgot you have a heart—wait a second; you lost yours when you decided to pressure my ex into having sex with you several times and then nearly blinded him. I was merely stating the obvious when I criticise someone's fashion choices."

"You told my model Mother that her dress made her look fat and made her break into tears. My Mother is 5'9 and 123 pounds."

"She asked for _my_ opinion. She is not fat. She is actually obviously thin but her clothing choices made her look bigger than she is."

"You know what happens when you hurt my Mother's feelings? She wakes me up at three am and talks. To me. So do not hurt her feelings. I haven't slept in a month because of a comment _you_ made. You know what happens when I don't sleep well? I start to function like a zombie."

"I didn't notice. I believe you always function like you're dead. All you do is sit on a couch and eat."

"Hummel, I don't even have the energy to get up from that couch to get me some Cadbury's and you know what? _I fucking love Cadbury." _

"I seemed to forget you love Cadbury just as much as you don't love me. I'm being rude. I'm sorry for your lack of sleep."

**35. Hummel's too needy:**

"Excuse me, Sebastian? _I'm_ needy?"

"Yeah. Yesterday, you asked me to get up and go get you some coffee. You know how much I hate getting up."

"But of course, how silly of me. I asked for too much."

"Damn straight."

**36. Emotional support**

"Hummel, I know you have this tendency of bitching to me about everything that goes wrong in your life, especially when you think you're getting a urinary tract infection because you can't stop peeing – but it's too fucking much when you call me up at six in the morning just to bitch at me about waking up in six in the morning for your school."

"I was waking you up as well. Everyone needs a wake-up call."

"I had no idea mine was supposed to last for an hour and forty-one minutes."

**37. High maintenance Hummel**

"I am not high maintenance, Sebastian."

"Ha. You are fucking kidding me. Only yesterday did you cajole me in opening a door for you. What the fuck? What if my collection of drug dealers saw us? They'd laugh their pants off."

"I'm sorry if doing the smallest romantic gesture makes you feel insecure about how your drug dealers view you. I'm pretty sure they've seen you do more than one or two obscene things."

"Nope. I get high with class. I'm a classy junkie."

"I don't think they exist."

"I didn't think anyone can be as sardonic as my Mother, but aha! Here you are. Telling me to open the door for you. Ha!"

**38. Pretending to be pure and shit when Blaine already told Sebastian they had sex**

"Blaine told you we had sex?"

"…okay, fine. I stalked him and stole his phone and found out from the gross love messages you sent each other after you fucked. _Ohhh, Blaine, the power of your dick was so romantic and enticing. We should totally do it again in three months."_

"I did not sound like that!"

"Blah blah blah peachy shoes."

"Shoes are not meant to be peach. Do not make fun of me."

"If you don't want me to make fun of you, stop acting like you're a saint and show me all the sexual experiences you do know—fuck, Hummel, why'd you knock me down on your bed—?"

"To show you some of my sexual experiences of course."

**39. Jumping to conclusions**

"I do not jump to conclusions, Sebastian."

"Just yesterday, you saw me on the couch and assumed that that's what I did all day."

"Oh, yes? Did you do something else that I'm not aware of? Other than trying to make your butt a permanent part of my couch?"

"I was breathing. I got up to take out the trash and clean your kitchen. I did so much yesterday and yet you simply remember me sitting and telling me that I've done _nothing_."

**40. All the plans Kurt makes without consulting Sebastian**

"You always make plans without my consent, Hummel. Like that one time you told me that it was your birthday. I did not plan for it to be your birthday."

"Sebastian, I cannot change the date to my birthday."

"Ha. If you have enough money, you can definitely do it. You're a Gemini anyway and I always wanted to fuck an Aries. Your new birthday is 24th of March."

"I was not born on the 24th of March, Sebastian."

"After my Father's done with your certificates and work, you would not only be born on the 24th of March, but you would have been born on Mars, and attended Pigfarts."

"No, Sebastian. I did not attend a fictional school—"

"Do not call it fictional. Someone stopped believing in the magic a long time ago."

"That tends to happen when your boyfriend believes that the magic is all in his candlestick."

"One time, a man made a wish on my dick and it came true the next day."

"How riveting. You must be magical if your male organs grant wishes. I wish for you to slowly suffer."

"Ha. Already done. I'm with you, aren't I?"

**41. Kurt states the obvious**

"What is the obvious that I'm stating so much, Sebastian?"

"That I'm sexy."

"I have never called you sexy."

"You just did."

"…damn you, Smythe."

"I'm perfect."

"No, you're not."

"If you take out the no and the not, then it's a yes."

"Sebastian, stop manipulating my words."

"If I take out the stop, then it means that you're telling me to manipulate your words, which I just can't possible do, honey."

"If you take out the Sebastian, I can pretend like my life has meaning."

**42. Kurt's many pairs of jeans**

"I'm sorry, Sebastian. We can't live in the same pair of jeans day in and day out."

"Why not?"

"Hygiene. The fact that fashion changes. The fact that you don't have thin jeans or fat jeans, and how can you live if you don't have any fat jeans?"

"Easy. Don't get fat and I don't need to buy me a set of fat jeans."

"What if you get suddenly ill and drop 10 pounds in a week, and your pants will fall off you – then what would you wear?"

"That's your problem? Just don't wear any fucking pants at all. It's a free country."

"No, Sebastian. It is not a free country, even the most basic necessities such as food, water and Grey's Anatomy needs the simplest amount of money."

"You can always steal."

"Well, I am known to steal a few hearts—Sebastian, stop laughing. My sexual appealing factor is better than it's been before."

"Fuck me with a pencil and call me a sharper. Hummel, you can't get a heart of anyone even if you sold your soul for it."

"I thought I stole your heart since we were a hate at first sight romance—oh no, wait, I see the fluke now. You don't have a heart."

**43. Kurt's reluctance to fool people**

"Sebastian, I will not tell this woman that I am suffering from a chronic illness just to gain sympathy over us and thus, ultimately, buy us the Cadbury eggs we've been staring at for the past five minutes."

"Either that, or steal, because we're both broke and my fifth credit card has been eaten by my dog."

"Is he okay?"

"No, he's dead and so is my credit card. Mangy disgusting, filthy mutt. Last time I let anyone near my beautiful treasures."

"…I'd mourn the dog."

"Why? It's a fucking dog. If I want a new one, I can just get one. Likewise, if you decide to break up with me, I'll just get another fucker that looks like you. Or marry my Mother."

"Sebastian, you make me want to violently retch."

"You make me want to marry a turnip because I can fuck a turnip better."

"Can we not discuss turnip sex? Fine. I will lie to a woman to get our Cadbury eggs…hello, man, I am suffering from a chronic disease called my boyfriend is a lying, cheating asshole. Can you please give me some money so I can run away to Vegas? Also, to buy some Cadbury eggs."

**44. Kurt's disorganisation**

"I'm sorry I don't alphabetise your sex toys, Sebastian."

"Or colour code your underwear. Or stack up your books by your subjects. Or stack up your food by nutritional information."

"You colour code your underwear? Aren't they all black?"

"Black has shades, even in underwear. Fuck you, Hummel, aren't you supposed to be the fashion bastard?"

"I've never truly gotten into underwear fashion."

**45. The fact that Kurt does not support Sebastian's OCD**

"I will not support your mental illness, Sebastian. Your obsessive need for counting has gotten out of hand. You have organised my books, only to organise them again and you've gotten so bad you've started to tear pages from my notebooks just so they can all have 200 pages. That is enough."

"I have no mental illness. You are just fucking jealous of how organised I am."

"No, I am not. I do not mind disorganisation. What are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to go colour code your closet."

"…actually, that's a good idea. That'll take you a nice good 3 or 4 years."

**46. Kurt's scars**

"I'm sorry, Sebastian. Do you want me to surgically remove the scars I asked for so much?"

"Hummel, scars are not attractive. Can you just wear a shirt when we're having sex?"

"You have multiple scars might I add. On your back, and your thighs. I believe that at least 20% of your body is scar tissue. From what I don't know."

"I had a rough childhood."

"…oh my Prada, were you—?"

"I had an inability to cut things and thus, sharp objects found their ways through my skin."

**47. Kurt not wanting to go out to watch movies**

"I can download a 720p copy and watch it, snuggling with you. Besides, I thought you liked privacy, as it indicates other things."

"You can totally have sex in the movie theatre."

"Sebastian, how many times will I tell you that I refuse to indulge in 100% of your fantasies?"

"Many. Come on. I can totally be fucked in a movie theatre. If we go to a slasher movie, even better."

"Sebastian, you cannot stand horror movies. Last one we went to, you bolted out of the car in the first five minutes and the only thing that was on the screen was the starring actors."

"I'm allergic to bad actors."

"Are you always in denial of your weaknesses?"

"You masturbate to women. You're still in denial of you obvious bisexuality."

"I am not bisexual."

"Then I am not afraid of horror movies. And I totally am not a sucker for _A Walk To Remember_, even though the ending was tragic and probably emitted more feeling for me than my currently sick Mother, whom cannot get her Botox done today."

**48. Kurt not wanting to go skydiving**

"Sebastian, do you remember that I have a massive phobia of heights?"

"Do you remember my birthday?"

"November 25th."

"…really? I was born on the 25th of November…? Fuck, that's not a sexy sounding birthday."

"You don't know when your own birthday is?"

"Why? Is it important? It's not like it's an event with a lot of fucking cake and presents involved or something."

**49. Kurt being afraid of/believing in vampires**

"I've always believed that people suck blood for pleasure. As you do it to look sexy, that or scare the living shit out of me."

"Ha. Scare."

"You are certainly a sweetheart."

"If by that, you mean I consume a lot of sweet shit and sugar, then yes, yes, I do. Massively. My blood sugar is always high."

"Don't you have suffer from low blood sugar and low blood pressure?"

"No, I just tell you this so I can eat sugar straight out of a castor."

"Dear Prada, I am essentially dating a five year old."

"And what was Blaine?"

"…valid point."

**50. Kurt's belief in superstitions **

"Wait, wait, so if I step on a crack, do I really break my Mother's back, Hummel?"

"Yes."

"How many until she's crushed by the weight of her ginormous boobs?"

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


End file.
